This paper explores how participatory and community-based approaches are used in efforts to promote gender equality in humanitarian aid to Burmese refugees in Thailand and Bangladesh. Arguing that participation and community mobilisation are a vehicle for the promotion of gender equality, the paper compares examples of ‘community spirt’ and participation by women and women’s organisations perceived as ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’. The paper examines this paradox through a governmentality perspective and draws on the concept of participation in humanitarian policy and practice in the government of refugees.